I wrote a silly children's poem a few years ago called 'Iʼve got an egg-shaped planet in my Grandadʼs hat.' It's a bit rough around the edges, but I present it to you now for your edification.
Outside the school stood a Ron and a Ruth,
As an Eric revealed a terrible truth,
“I havenʼt created my project for Science!”
“I suppose I could bring a kitchen appliance.”
Ruth, who was clever and good and annoying,
Claimed, (in a way that was soul destroying),
“I have built a volcano from tissues and glue!”
“It rumbles and bubbles and spews out shampoo!”
“Itʼs so realistic, youʼll scamper away,”
“Your pants will fall down, youʼll move to Bombay!”
“Big deal,” said Ron, “I can beat that.”
“Iʼve got an egg-shaped planet in my Grandadʼs hat.”
“Itʼs got sixteen moons of different sizes.”
“It will definitely win all of the prizes.”
“When I show my project to Mr. McThing,”
“Heʼll bow down on his knees and proclaim me the King.”
“On my planet are mountains and rivers,”
“As a classroom project, it really delivers.”
“The mountains are orange and purple and green,”
“One of themʼs hairy and itʼs name is Francine.”
“The rivers have faces and hands and moustaches,”
“The clouds are so clever they have to wear glasses.”
“There are many species of animals there,”
“Thereʼs a kind of giraffe with the head of a bear.”
“There are monsters with teeth coming out of their heads,”
“And a big fat bird with upside-down legs.”
“There are people too, but theyʼre not like us,”
“Their houses can walk and they sleep on the bus.”
“Their faces are bigger than the rest of their body,”
“In the winter they hum a relaxing melody.”
“The tune makes the trees, which are yellows and reds,”
“Chop themselves down and convert into beds.”
“The rainbows are lazy and lie on the ground,”
“They snore with a high-pitched, wobbly sound.”
“I once saw a lion with six legs and no face,”
“Get caught by a hamster after a chase.”
“The hamsters are vicious on this particular land,”
“Theyʼre massive and smelly and ought to be banned.”
“Down at the bottom of one special valley,”
“Lives the King who will form my great big finale.”
“This boss of the people, whoʼs name is Dunbar,”
“Rides around with a swan on top of a car.”
“The swan (who goes by the name of Dagnabbit),”
“Thinks like a swan, but looks like a rabbit!”
“All this I have spied through my big telescope,”
“I look in the thick end and out through some soap.”
Ruth looked at Eric, Eric at Ruth,
They didnʼt believe that this was the truth.
Ron noted their unenthusiastic reaction,
And came up with a plan of positive action.
“Iʼll bring it tomorrow and then you will see.”
“If Iʼm lying use me as a comfy settee.”
“But if in fact Iʼm telling the truth,”
“Then Iʼll sit on you, Eric, and then on you, Ruth.”
The three friends agreed that this was quite fair,
And they all hoped they wouldnʼt have to act like a chair.
The very next morning, inside the school gates,
Three children arrived who were very good mates.
One with a volcano, one with a freezer,
And one with no nothing, an unhappy geezer.
Once in the classroom, Mr. McWhoʼs-He,
Said, “Out with your projects. I must have a look-see.”
“Ron,” Said the teacher, with tears in his eyes,
“You have no creation? Iʼm very surprised.”
“I did make a planet, with rivers and moons,”
“With dancing leopards and purple baboons.”
“I kept it inside my Grandfatherʼs hat,”
“I thought it was safe to leave it like that.”
“The problem you see, is a hound I call Janet,”
“Mister, that dog has eaten my planet!”
“Detention, detention!” Cried the teacher quite loud,
“I wonʼt hear this nonsense in front of a crowd.”
At lunchtime, relaxing, were Eric and Ruth,
And under them lay a miserable youth.
“I really did make that wonderful land,”
“It was egg-shaped and could fit in the palm of my hand.”
“There were forests that flew, with trees like kebabs,”
“Marble-cake lobsters and battenburg crabs.”
“But Janet ensured that the planet is over,”
“And now Iʼm condemned to act as your sofa.”
“Quiet down you! Sofas canʼt talk.”
“Weʼve had enough of your whinging, weʼll go for a walk.”
And as Ruth and Eric strolled off and left Ron,
Ruth noticed a tiny white dot by the pond.
“Wait, whatʼs that thing? Oh drat, now itʼs gone,”
“It looked like a rabbit that thinks like a swan.”
Illustration by Evgenia Barinova
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